Peanut Butter Cookies are Evil
by thealycat
Summary: -First in the Cookie Series- Horatio hates peanut butter cookies. He REALLY hates peanut butter cookies. After this day at work, he just might hate Calleigh and Eric as well. -crackfic-


**Disclaimer- CSI: Miami is not mine. Because if it was, Eric and Calleigh would have been able to get together. :) **

**Disclaimer Deux: I also took ONE idea from another fan fiction (He Looka Like a Man by Lt. Barbie Carson. The 'whore' idea belongs solely to her!) And references to Charlie the Unicorn 2, Dora the Explorer, House, Teletubbies, Blades of Glory, Spongebob, etc. I just don't own it.**

**WARNING- Major, MAJOR, **_**MAJOR**_** OOC-ness, stupid-ness, and pointlessness. **

**Author's note- I'm sorry if you get scarred for life after reading this. This is the most pointless thing you will ever read in your life. This is also what happens when I get bored on long car rides.**

**UPDATE (08.01.08): Even though I decided this two weeks before, I might turn this into a series, one new cookie story for every CSI fandom. Then again, I may write cookie stories for other fandoms...**

**New York's will be called "Oatmeal Raisin Cookies aren't Cool" and Las Vegas' will be "Macadamia Nut Cookies are Dirty." Dirty as in messy, by the way :P **

* * *

It was a very boring day at the Miami-Dade Crime Lab. Lieutenant Horatio Caine was sitting at his desk, looking at some old paperwork for what seemed to be the 500th time.

"Stupid paper," he muttered. "And it's not even recycled paper!"

Suddenly, a frantic Timothy Speedle rushed into the room. His brown eyes were wide and he seemed to be worried.

Horatio became excited when he saw Speed. "Speed!" he squealed, clapping like a little girl. "You're alive!"

Speed looked at the cheerful lieutenant and jumped back. "Who are you?" he said shakily. "You look strange!" He apparently had no memory of who Horatio was.

Horatio's bottom lip quivered. "You don't remember me? I'm Hor—" he started to say, but was cut off by Speed.

"You're a whore?!" Speed yelled and began running around the room. "NOOOO! I need to get out of here!" He continued running around the room but looked for his motorbike at the same time. "Where's my bike?!"

Suddenly, a fluffy white cloud appeared in the middle of the room. Both men were frozen in place, admiring the wonder of the object. The cloud turned into a screen like the ones that the Teletubbies have on their stomachs and showed Speed's yellow motorcycle being crushed by a compactor.

The supposed-to-be-deceased CSI got on his knees, threw his hands up in the air, and screamed, "NOOOO!" Then, a butcher knife magically appeared in Speed's hand. He tried to stab himself, but the knife went through him each time.

"NOOO!" he continued his running around the room before collapsing.

Meanwhile, Horatio was having a fun time watching Speed. "Go Speed!" he said. "If you can dream it, you can do it!" When Speed collapsed, the redhead snapped his fingers and said, "Oh man!"

Then Calleigh Duquesne and Eric Delko entered the room holding a basket of cookies. Eric waved. "We've got COOKIES, H! They're peanut butter! Want some?"

Horatio stood up and made an X with his fingers, positioning them so that the X was pointing toward the cookies. "Ew!" he hissed. "Peanut butter cookies! They're the epitome of all evil!"

Calleigh pouted. "But I _made_ them! With Eric and the letter Z!" she whined. "Z only speaks Spanish you know," she added matter-of-factly.

Horatio leaped over his desk and walked to Eric and Calleigh at the door. "Ice cream is better! Alexx ALWAYS keeps ice cream in the morgue! I'm gonna fly there!" He ran out of his office with his arms out like airplane wings.

Speed suddenly regained consciousness. "I like cookies," he said. After the last syllable left his lips, he fainted again.

Calleigh and Eric grinned at each other. "Speed likes cookies!" they yelled simultaneously.

"Let's give him some!" Eric said cheerfully. They started to grab cookies from the picnic basket that held them and threw the cookies at Speed's unconscious form.

"I have an idea," Calleigh told Eric after they stopped throwing cookies. "Let's go to Alexx, Ryan, and Natalia. I _know_ they'll like cookies!"

Eric grinned. "That's an EPIC idea, Calleigh!" They then linked arms and skipped to the morgue.

* * *

_Down in the Morgue_

Horatio pushed open the doors of the morgue. "Al-exx!" he called in a sing-song voice. "I'm he-ere!" He noticed that the wall casket of Jane Doe #24601 was already open. The asphyxiated body appeared to be holding something, but whatever she was holding was missing from her hands.

The red-haired lieutenant frowned. "What happened to the ice cream? Jane Doe #24601 ALWAYS had the ice cream!"

Alexx Woods patted his back. "I'm sorry Horatio. Ryan, Natalia, and I ate it all already. Looking at dead bodies for fun makes you hungry. So far, I've seen six asphyxiated bodies, 5 that died from blunt force trauma, and 3 that died from a hematoma! Fun!" she said, chocolate brown eyes sparkling.

Ryan Wolfe stuffed some ice cream into his mouth, leaving a mustache of ice cream. "Hey H! It's Neapolitan ice cream!" he said. However, with a mouth full of ice cream, it sounded like this: "Ey H! If Neapolifin eyef quem!"

Natalia Boa Vista took little ladylike bites of ice cream. "Why hello Horatio," she said daintily. "How's the weather? Great? I must say, this ice cream is exquisite!"

At the sound of his team enjoying ice cream, Horatio fell to his knees. "NOO!" he wailed. "ICE CREAM IS MY LOVE!"

Ryan and Natalia skipped around their boss. Natalia seemed to have lost all of her ladylike qualities, for skipping around a person isn't something a lady would do.

"Ice cream is good,  
Ice cream is fun,  
You have no ice cream,  
We ate it, it's done!" they chanted.

Horatio started to cry. "WAHHH! NO ICE CREAM!" He fell on the floor and began pounding his fists and feet like a baby on the cold floor of the morgue.

Then Eric and Calleigh burst into the room screaming, "COOKIE PARTY!" They started throwing cookies to random areas on the morgue. Horatio got up and tried to dodge the flying cookies.

"NOOO!" he wailed. "THERE ARE TOO MANY!" He ran out of the morgue. His destination was the DNA lab.

* * *

_In the DNA lab_

Maxine Valera sat in a seat in the DNA lab. She took another glass test tube and threw it against the wall. It broke and shattered into miniscule square pieces. Valera walked to where the broken glass lay and examined it.

"Darn it," the DNA technician muttered. "The pieces are supposed to be _square_, not _square_!" She went back to her previous location and threw another test tube, this time at the door. Horatio just happened to be entering the lab at that time and it barely missed his head. As soon as he saw Valera, he rushed over to her.

"Valera!" Horatio whined, moving from where she was to behind a chair. "Hide me! Eric and Calleigh are coming with peanut butter cookies! PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES! They're EVIL!"

Valera scooped up some of the glass shards and put them in a plastic centrifuge tube. She handed them to Horatio. "Here, you can have some of these glass bits. They're not the right shape anyway."

The lieutenant peered into the centrifuge tube. "What shape are they?" he asked.

"Everything but squares," she replied. "It SUCKS. Square shaped pieces are SO much cooler! They're SQUARE!" Valera clapped her hands excitedly.

There was a _ding!_ as the elevator doors opened. It was Calleigh, Eric, and their picnic basket of peanut butter cookies.

Horatio's eyes widened. He was paralyzed by the fear of peanut butter cookies and began stammering. "Hommina hommina hommina hommina. Hommina hommina hommina hommina. Hommina hommina hommin—OWW!" Valera slapped him across the face.

"Shut up!" she screamed. "I'm trying to aim!" The woman threw her test tube and it shattered. She walked over to the shards and examined the pieces. "Yes! Squares!"

Horatio walked out of the DNA lab rubbing his cheek. "Meanie," he muttered.

Eric and Calleigh noticed their boss walk out the DNA lab. "Ho-ra-tio! Come get some coo-kies!" they sang.

The redhead screamed and ran away. Where he was running, he didn't know. He just wanted to get away from those peanut butter cookie freaks. Anything to get away from them.

* * *

_At Frank Tripp's desk_

Frank Tripp sat at his desk completing a crossword puzzle. The topic was 'Law Enforcement'.

"Hm," he thought aloud. "A six letter word for 'people who work in law enforcement'. It's so hard!" he moaned.

Horatio came running in. "Frank!" he yelled. "HIDE! Eric and Calleigh are coming with peanut butter cookies! They're evil!"

Frank shushed him. "Ssh! I'm trying to find a six letter word for 'people who work in law enforcement'! It's hard!"

The CSI supervisor thought for a moment. "Doctor," he said finally. "Now HIDE. PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES ARE COMING."

Frank paid no mind to the lieutenant. "Hm… a three letter word for 'firearm'."

Horatio pouted and folded his arms. "Don't you care about the evilness of the PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES?! They're going to kill you!" he yelled, flailing his arms. Yet, the detective still paid no mind to him.

"Bug? No, hat! Wait… I got it!" Frank snapped his fingers. "Pen!" The Texan scribbled the word into the puzzle.

Horatio saw Eric and Calleigh enter the vicinity. "Frank!" he whisper-yelled. "They're coming!" He tried to warn him of the impending 'danger'.

But Frank was too immersed with his crossword puzzle. "A three letter abbreviation for 'crime scene investigator'," he read.

"DSW!" Horatio whined. "Now HIDE!"

It was too late. The firearms expert and the underwater recovery specialist had spotted them. They grinned when they saw the former bomb squad officer and the homicide detective.

"Hey guys!" Calleigh called, waving furiously. They had reached Frank's desk. Horatio began to back away slowly. Frank's eyes wouldn't leave his puzzle.

"Hey Frank!" Eric yelled even though the other man was sitting right in front of him. "Want a cookie?"

At the mention of the word 'cookie', Frank's eyes lit up. "I got it! A six letter synonym for 'jail'! Cookie!" He scribbled it down, absentmindedly taking a cookie with his other hand and eating it.

Horatio screamed. "Frank! You betrayer! You're SO not invited to my pool party anymore! Shun the betrayer, SHUNNNNN."

Frank mentally examined the cookie then shared his analysis out loud. "Hm," he said. "Peanut butter. It's okay, but I think I like butter peanut better."

Horatio got into a corner, fell to the floor, and wrapped his arms around his knees. '_Maybe if I close my eyes it will all be over,_' he thought. He shut his eyes.

Then, he heard a voice call his name. "Horatio… Horatio…"

"…Horatio …Horatio … HORATIO! Wake up you poopyhead!" Calleigh yelled, annoyed. Horatio jolted awake. He realized he was still in bed at home. Eric and Calleigh were at his bedside, Eric holding something behind his back.

"We heard you were sick, so we brought you a present," the Cuban-Russian said. He pulled out a picnic basket from behind his back. "Peanut butter cookies!"

"AAAHHH!"

* * *

**So there you go. I have probably scarred you for life. Review if you want… **

**Aly x**


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